I received this by e-mail. I don’t remember who forwarded it to me. I just know that this has brightened my day when I get down, and all I have to do is read it. It makes me laugh. I also learn a lot from this. Read on:
In case you’re a little foggy on your biblical history, let these junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays.
This is clever rendition of the ‘Bible in a Nutshell’!
Enjoy!…. laughter is a gift from God!
THE BIBLE IN A NUTSHELL
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’…and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been in vented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David . He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says Solomon was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.*
Here’s what I’ve learned from this Bible In a Nutshell: Maybe adults don’t understand God’s Word much better than children. My point is that perhaps it would be to our advantage in serving God, regardless of our place in His family, if we’d begin by searching for what God wants us to do as His children.
- How are we to treat others? — Our treatment of others is a reflection of our connection with Jesus. Are you positive your church approaches problems in a Biblical manner? (John 13:35)
- How do we, as His family, honor Him by the way we act toward our church family? –The reputation of many churches when they have business meetings turns off many people, both inside and outside of the church body. (Romans 12:9-10)
- How does your church deal with factions in the church body when there are disagreements? — If we were better acquainted with God’s Instruction Book, we’d be able to handle differences with appropriate love & dignity. (1 Thessalonians 3:12)
- How often do we get entrenched in misunderstandings that are . . . misunderstandings? — Rather than becoming embroiled in judgementalism, it is wise to be sure that differences may be no more than misunderstandings, resolved by clarifying the issues involved. (Psalm 133:1)
Let me ask you to think about this: Are you helping the church’s reputation by being better acquainted with what God says in the Bible and knowing how to implement that knowledge? Ministers can be as guilty of this as laymen. So spending time investigating God’s instructions and praying for His guidance is paramount to finding resolution.
Your comments are invited, along with subjects you’d like to have addressed regarding church unity and healthy functioning. Click on the “Leave a Comment” button just below the title of this article.
For assistance with church conflict or coaching for ministers, e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or call me at 225-773-8883.
*Again, I received this by e-mail without attribution for authorship. If/when properly identified, that credit will be provided.